Of Angels and Brothels
by BloddyRose13
Summary: "Lucifer?" "Yes Samuel?" "You brought me to a brothel." "Yup." Lucifer's taking a page from Dean's book, Sam isn't amused. Samifer and hints of Destiel. t for mild language and very very vaguely implied nonsense.


AN: So this is just a goofy Samifer piece, completely cracky, I have no idea why Lucifer is chilling with the brothers, but he is. Also this story had NOTHING to do with the other stories what are "Of something and something else", it just seems like I'm vastly unoriginal with naming my stories…and I kind of like having one story like this for all my couples…So yes, Samifer, and slight implied Destiel, enjoy!

"Sam…" He ignores the man, fingers gliding over the keyboard fluently as if he was the only person in the room. "Saaaaammmmmmyyyyy" ignore him, Sam, just ignore him and he might get bored and go away. "Now you know that's not gonna work don't you?" The mortal man groans loudly, slamming the laptop shut and ripping his hands through his long hair.

"What?" For a split second he regrets shouting at the angel, then he realizes that the devil is more than annoying enough to earn worse.

"Aw don't be like that. Besides you know that this case is as good as buttoned up. Dean and Cas should be back any minute to tell you that they've gotten rid of the demon problem and you two will be able to enjoy some free time." The Winchester frowned. "Come on Sammy, let's have some fun!" Lucifer was pacing around the room in his jeans and tee-shirt, the short-sleeved button down was tossed onto one of the beds and his shoes were kicked carelessly by the same mattress. His hands waved extravagantly through the air as he sought any form of amusement that he could get. He really was like a child sometimes.

"And what do you suggest?" Sam replied with a long-suffering sigh.

"We're going out!" Lucifer was across the room in seconds, tugging his shoes and shirt back on with vigor as the hunter finally gave into his requests. "Take your coat, it's gonna get cold." He tossed the leather jacket at his human counterpart and traipsed over to the door, he really was a child, a child on his way to the toy store. Sam looked at his phone and sent a quick text to Dean before he put on his jacket as instructed. He had only just stepped outside into the bright August day when his phone rang and he gave a relieved sigh as he answered.

"Hey Dean, you good?"

"Yeah, like I said simple. You ready to head out tomorrow?" Sam gave his angel a weary look as the smile on the other's face filled him with no small measure of dread.

"Uh…maybe?" He heard the jingle of keys through the speaker. Seriously Lucifer needed to stop looking at him like that or he's going to start thinking about the cat and the canary, and he holds no illusions as to which he'll be in that situation.

"What do you mean maybe?" The phone rubs over fabric and he knows his brother is shifting it from his shoulder to his hand as he starts up the car.

"Lucifer wants to go do something." There's an ineloquent groan that validates all of his earlier worries. He looks over at the fallen and he's still grinning like his jaw is going to come unhinged and swallow Sam whole. "Stop that!" He hisses as he covers the speaker, Lucifer's smile changes now to one of sincere amusement before he starts walking off, sure that Sam will follow. His little human doesn't disappoint.

"Are you sure that's a good idea man? Last time you two went out Cas and I found you in the middle of a big ass bar brawl!" Sam knows that he shouldn't feel offended, or the need to protect Lucifer's random, and slightly dangerous, shenanigans, but he does anyway.

"It wasn't that bad… Besides, the last time I left you alone with Cas you two ended up at a brothel, _again_. Seriously man, what is your issue with Cas's virginity?" This peaks the archangel's interest and he stops walking so abruptly Sam nearly runs straight into him. Lucifer is looking at him insistently, hand extended for the phone. "No." The former vessel says firmly. The devil's eyes narrow, a spark of mischief glinting darkly. It unnerves him slightly, but he stays firm. "No." He's not sure how it happens, but theirs is suddenly a short scrimmage over the small mobile device and he forgets sometimes how strong Lucifer actually is as the angel holds his phone to his ear, pushing Sam out of reach and smiles as he begins to chat rather animatedly to his brother.

"Yeah, hey Dean, it's Luci, will you do me a favor?" There's a slight pout on the blonde man's face at whatever his brother's response is. "No? Fine, let's make a deal then. No, no I don't want your soul, and I sure and hell don't want to kiss you! Yuck!" Lucifer laughs. "It's much simpler than that. Well I'll make sure Sammy comes back home in one piece, and yes, still breathing, and you stop taking my brother to whorehouses." There's a pause. "If you're so fixated on his virginity then why don't you just take it yourself? We'll be back late, don't wait up for us! Chao!" The devil lets go of him then and Sam straightens; only half believing his friend would have said that to Dean. Lucifer tosses the phone at the hunter and he catches it absently and deposits it back into one of his many pockets. It takes a few minutes to shake himself from his stupor and Luce is still smiling.

"You're horrible." It's the only thing he can think to respond with.

"Oh come on, you can't tell me that you and the rest of the fan base hasn't been waiting for this."

"Stop that, Chuck said that he feels like his head will turn inside out if we keep trying to break the fourth wall."

"Good fanfiction, by the way." Lucifer mumbles and Sam just gives him a confused look before shaking his head. If the devil is muttering about anything under his breath then he's probably better off not knowing. "Anyway, you know that you want them to just get to it, I mean I've only been around for a few months but I'm already sick of the across-the-room-sex-stares the two give each other day and night. Really Samuel, how did you stand it before I joined your little 'team'?" The way his angel says it makes him feel like he should be ashamed of himself for not taking earlier action to push Dean and Cas in the right direction. Then he feels like he needs to turn his brain inside out just to make sure that the acid covers every inch of it so that he can unthink what has been thought about his brother and Castiel.

"Let's just get going. Where are you taking me anyway?" Lucifer smiles like he's won the apocalypse title fight, well if there had been a title fight at least, as he starts walking off in some random direction again. It was probably a good thing that Dean had kept that necklace that was supposed to go to their dad because it had come in handy when Cas had been out looking for God. The angel was still keeping tight lips about who it was, but they both had a feeling they knew after Cas told them they'd met him already. Besides remove two words and the answer was blaringly obvious. Chuck Prophet of the Lord. It wasn't exactly subtle, but when your kids up in Heaven were kicking up a fuss and decide to throw an apocalypse while you're away on business something has to be done. So Raphael got locked in the pit (what for? No one knew), Gabe was brought back to life to help out upstairs, and Lucifer was given Nick's body as his permanent vessel. Just like that and God called off the entire thing, saying he "didn't like the way the story was heading".

"Sam." He looked over at his counterpart.

"Yeah?"

"We're here." Sam glanced up at the structure disbelievingly.

"Lucifer?"

"Yes Samuel?"

"You brought me to a brothel."

"Yup."

"I'm going to kill you."

"I just thought you needed a good lay, I mean all that built up stress-"

"Slowly and painfully, with knives and holy fire."

"Aw Sammy you flatter me, plotting my murder, I couldn't ask for anything more."

"And then I'm going to shove your twitching remains back into the pit. I still have the rings Luce. Don't make me use them."

"esh, alright, alright…" A beat of silence passes as they both look up at the structure, night falling faster by the second as they sky becomes a deep blue sheet over the town. "Wanna go get into a reckless bar fight instead to blow off some steam?"

"Yeah, sounds good to me."

It is four beers and three beaten assholes in the parking lot of the bar later before Sam is laughing as freely as the devil. He's not drunk, just…relaxed. Lucifer's stupidity has that effect on him. There's a small wail of sirens in the distance and they both scramble away. His cheek is throbbing slightly and he knows his lip is split, his knuckles have someone else's blood on them and he's gasping for breath between snickers as they run into an alley three blocks away. Lucifer looks no worse for wear and only has a small smear of blood on his hands. Dean's probably right, it's a bad idea for them to go out together unsupervised, but at least they kept each other from taking it too far. They both could have killed those men.

"Having fun yet Sammy?" Luci grins and the hunter smiles despite himself, his lip tingeing pain. He swipes his thumb over it and it comes away smattered in a rather thick stream of blood. That's going to take a few days to heal.

"Loads." He replies with an honest smile. "Dean's gonna kill us." There's not an ounce of dread in his voice. Lucifer barks out a laugh and wipes the blood on a towel that appears from seemingly nowhere. Angel mojo, how would they live without it?

"Only if he can find the evidence." Lucifer steps closer and hands the towel off to Sam who goes about cleaning off the blood on his hands first. Then there are fingers touching his forehead and a warm sharp buzz of electricity shooting down his spine. He knows that all of his injuries are healed. Angel mojo, seriously it was brilliant.

"Thanks Luce." The devil isn't paying attention anymore though, just swiping his thumb over his bloodied lips. Sam can't say he wasn't expecting what comes next. Chapped lips settle against his and he just sighs. This couldn't wait till later? When they were out of the cold (because Lucifer was right, it had gotten fucking cold) and back in the motel?

"No it couldn't have." The fallen angel says far too chipper for his liking before licking Sam's blood off his finger and making a far too pleased humming sound. Angel mojo and mind reading…that latter he could live without. "Really Samuel I think your bad habits are rubbing off on me."

"Oh shut up." They walk a few feet before Lucifer bumps their shoulder's together.

"Separate rooms?" The devil chirps hopefully, his hunter evaluates his expression thoughtfully before focusing back down the road. Lucifer looks rather crestfallen as they walk a few more steps before Sam bumps his shoulder back.

"Separate rooms." He agrees. It really isn't fair that Satan has a smile that can put the sun and hellfire to shame.


End file.
